Solace with Shame

Photo by horacio olavarria on Unsplash

“Shame is a soul eating emotion.”

— Carl Jung

Several years ago, I was struggling mentally more significantly than any other time in my life. My life and work had become so overwhelmingly stressful that I just couldn’t manage it anymore as I had for many years. I hit a mental wall. What I didn’t realize at that moment was that I was also carrying around an immense amount of old and new shame over many things that had happened in my life. I wasn’t consciously aware of this shame until this point, but suddenly it all became clear. What sparked the beginning of my contemplation was watching Brenee Brown’s viral TED Talk on shame which opened my awareness to my own shame. In it, she said that guilt is “I did something wrong” and shame is “I am something wrong”. This shot right to my core as I became instantly aware of the shame that existed within me and how it was contributing to the level of stress I was experiencing at that time. I spent the next several months allowing this awareness to percolate in the back of my thoughts, and I began the process of reconciling each event and working toward shifting my perspective to the learning of each one. I believe that all obstacles are really opportunities. In every life event that occurs, especially those with unwanted outcomes, there is an opportunity for growth where we can become more congruent with the best version of ourselves.

One night, in the middle of the night, I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep because the shame was now palpable and unrelenting in needing attention. I laid there and allowed all my shame and guilt to come forward and move across my mind as if watching a ticker symbol of gains and losses from the day’s trades.

At that moment, I realized that the fate of all humans is to experience many outcomes throughout our lives whether we label them as good or we label them as bad. Our cards will be dealt without judgment from the universe, but these outcomes are often based on the choices that we make whether conscious or unconscious. Those choices, like all causes, will have an effect. With an infinite number of outcomes possible, we will get some that we desire and some that we do not - although those outcomes that we do not desire are often our greatest teachers if we are willing to pay attention. If we are willing, these outcomes are the ones that help us lean into our unconscious choices and make the unwanted belief behind them step forward that caused us to choose that path in the first place. They help us find the emotional buttons within us that are triggered by people and events. If we take time to reflect and watch closely our thoughts, we will find the reason behind why we chose the actions that we chose. In most cases, those beliefs will be tied to lies, fears, self-doubts, anger, and many other possible “negative” feelings that we either believe about ourselves, those around us, or the world in general. The more we can search out these old beliefs and release or change them, the more we will be able to make choices from a more conscious place that will lead to outcomes that we desire more often. With this, we recognize that anything “bad” that happens to us or that we do is also an opportunity for growth and transformation into the person we deeply desire to be and whom we truly are at the core; therefore, there really are no mistakes that happen because in all outcomes a purpose can be found.

As I lay there wide awake, I walked through the shame and found the lesson for each event tied to it. I realized at that moment that it all did have a purpose to help me wake up to myself and the world and be more aware of who I am and who I want to be. I forgave myself and I forgave all those that in some way contributed to this shame and guilt within me - although I recognized that I am the true author of its presence. As I lay there pondering, a flood of peace washed over me, and the shame and guilt suddenly melted away and have never since returned.

We are all imperfect humans roaming the earth for a tiny finite amount of unknown time. Our human form’s possible purpose is here to allow us to experience all things physical, mental, and emotional based on this form that we have been given and to learn and grow from these experiences. Our stress responses that trigger our fight, flight, or freeze instincts are attached to this physical form and useful when needed. But beyond this form, there is the formlessness of us that is the essence of whom we are within. This essence, spirit, soul, consciousness, or energy is the most authentic part of who we are and encapsulates our individual unique perspective and gifts that we have been given, which is how we can uniquely contribute to the world.

Although we often feel like we are at the effect of our life, the truth is we have been gifted with the will to choose our actions and responses in most cases. We inherited our free will to choose our actions while here on this earth. I now ask myself before making big decisions if the choice I’m leaning toward is based in fear or based in love. I know if it’s based in fear that I’m operating from a place of my human form and not from my essence. I then choose again until I know my choice is coming from love. I don’t hit the mark every time, but it helps me make more conscious choices along the way. Any choices that I realize later came from fear, I now see that it’s really another opportunity to clean my mental house and find the unconscious belief that lingers there, so I grab my broom and lovingly sweep it away.

If I can release my shame, you can, too. First comes recognizing that it exists within you. If you find yourself living with a lot of stress, anxiety, or other negative emotions, pause and ask yourself if the definition of shame “I am something wrong” resonates with you. If so, this could be shame that you are experiencing. Lean into your shame with curiosity and nonjudgment to uncover the depth of it. Forgive yourself and others. Cultivate compassion for yourself and others. Find the opportunity for growth that lingers there. See the purpose that can be found within. We all have worth and value beyond any guilt or shame that we carry. We can choose to let it go or we can choose to let it eat our souls.

I’m wishing you all the best on your journey of uncovering and finding solace with your shame.

Be well. Sending love.

Lessons of Longing

“Longing is like a seed that wrestles in the ground.”

— Emily Dickinson

Some of us have deep wounds that we carry with us our entire lives.

Sometimes these wounds stay in the shadows and never allow themselves to be seen by ourselves or others. We make decisions that are tethered to these wounds without awareness that we are doing so. Unconscious choices attempt to fix them over and over again. Patterns repeat in hopes they will finally be healed; however, as long as these choices are made unconsciously, the pattern will continue to repeat. Until we make the unknown known, we may not be able to shine a healing light on them.

I didn’t know my father, and I have carried a deep sense of longing for him for most of my life. The longing was stitched with the feeling of abandonment, which at times left me feeling unworthy of love and inhibited my ability to fully recognize it. This left me restless and in search of something to fill that empty space.

I finally met him when I was fifteen years old. We became fast friends and started writing letters back and forth. He was handsome and cool with his tanned skin and blue eyes. Luckily, my sweet mom never said a negative word about him, so my thoughts of him were high. My mom, best friend, and I visited him that next summer, and we spent time at a beautiful park and played at the beach. I was excited to get to know him and looking forward to our friendship blossoming throughout the years. However, and unfortunately, he was killed in a hang gliding accident two years after we met.

I don’t have a lot of vivid memories from my childhood, but I do remember this particular morning. I was sleeping when my mom and step-dad came into my room. The pain of telling me being too much, my mom stayed standing next to my bedroom door while my step-dad sat down next to me on the bed to wake me. He said “we have some bad news to tell you” and then proceeded to share that Keith, my dad, had died when the unpredictable Sierra Nevada mountain winds caused him to lose control of his hang glider and crash into a tree. My mom was crying. I began to cry, too. My room seemed extra small that morning like the walls were closing in on me. Although I was sad, I didn’t really know how to feel at that moment. I lost someone whom I didn’t know well yet but wanted to know. I was grieving the possibilities for the future. I felt nostalgic for something that never was. From my initial perspective, I was immensely grateful I was able to meet him at all and get to know him over those short two years.

Early in my life, I learned a clever way to cope with stress and uncertainty by emotionally and mentally running away from those scary dark places of pain and disappointment. I would tuck those thoughts and feelings deep away within, which left a gaping hole in my heart that I proceeded to unknowingly search for something, anything to fill that empty space. I felt I could find an answer so I kept searching in hopes it would one day appear.

The year he died, I started seeing myself differently and wanted him to be proud of me. I cleaned up my act in many ways and started making better choices. That year, I chose a different path than the one I was on and turned a corner. I desired a new future that was much brighter than the path I was on had to offer. Although it took me several more years after his death to complete that transformation, I did. The longing pushed me; drove me. I spent the next several decades putting myself through college, diving headfirst into work, becoming a producing machine, driving myself to achieve “success” to prove I was worthy. Through the years, I realized that no level of success would completely fill the hole in my heart and became aware of what I really desired: love, peace, freedom. Finally, recognizing my lessons of longing motivated me to ease forward into a life well lived although my work is not yet done.

Over the years, as I would see fathers with their daughters, the longing would again bubble to the surface. I was missing out on something precious and knew it would never be. I continued to search for the answer, but it was nowhere to be found. The unconscious decisions I’ve made that yearned to fulfill this deep sense of longing were never satisfied. But as the longing began to slowly reveal herself to me, I started to see how her presence has impacted my life. How her broken heart has broken mine and others along the way.

I see her now with outreached arms, but what she is reaching for is not out there. She is longing for me. In longing, as with any deep wound, it felt as if the answers were to be found, but as I began to get to know her, I realized that what she and I both needed was right here within us, not out there. It is in here. This is where true peace lives. The acceptance of what is right here with me now and all that it brings to the table whether desired or not. There is no answer to find or validation that will ever bring real peace and happiness that we seek. The love we seek comes from within and in realizing that our judgments and expectations of who we thought we were supposed to be, do not exist.

Who knows why we are dealt the hands we are dealt. There are no limits to the possible outcomes that do occur in our lives. Some outcomes we are happy with and some we are not. It’s all part of our unpredictable human experience. Life isn’t always fair because life doesn’t judge either way. It’s us that labels outcomes as good or bad, right or wrong. Cards are shuffled and dealt without judgment of the hand that comes to pass.

Once I allowed my hand of longing to be seen and accept that the answer could only be resolved from within, I allowed her to be present with me as we worked through this time of reconciliation together and in the process, she began to fade away slowly into peace. As I learned to trust the process and accept the hand I was dealt, I began to feel the exact thing I was searching for: love, peace, and freedom. It had been there waiting for me all along.

Why am I sharing my personal deep wound with you? Because I want you to know that it’s ok. It’s ok if you have a deep wound that nobody knows about and maybe you do not yet fully recognize. It’s ok to allow it to come forward so that you can begin your own process of reconciliation if you desire to be free of its pain and quiet interference.

Over the last few years, I have been on a journey to find all the cracks in my mind, heart, and soul and let in the light, so that I can live my life free and clear of any judgments or unresolved pain or doubt, which for me is freedom. You can do this, too, if you wish. So let in the light and bring along your nonjudgmental curiosity for this inward exploration and see what lurks in your deep dark corners. As the poet, Rumi said, “The wound is the place where the light enters you.”

Now, I still feel some longing when I see sweet moments between fathers and daughters. It still touches my heart, but I can now enjoy it as a beautiful thing to witness.

I choose to think about my father often and carry him with me throughout my life, as I do with all those I have loved and lost. He is with me there in the silence, the wind, the sunbeam, the sound of water, a bird’s melody, falling snow.

I am truly grateful for our time together although I miss him still. I often wonder what he would be like at the age he would be now, 76 years old. I wonder if we would be close or how his hugs might feel. I wonder if he would be proud of me and all that I have accomplished in my life. I wonder about the love he might have for my daughter and how much fun we all would have had together. I wonder.

Be well! Sending love.

“Feeling and longing are the motive forces behind all human endeavor and human creations.     ”

— Albert Einstein

The Beauty of Grief

““The wound is the place where the light enters you.””

— Rumi

This morning, I chose to do a meditation on grief, and I was not expecting what happened next.

I sometimes use the Calm app to meditate if I’m not in the mood to sit in complete silence. It’s a wonderful app that is a great way to explore meditation if you’ve never done it before, don’t know where to begin, or like me, want to be guided through it sometimes. I felt like there was something I needed to let go. As I scanned the options, I found a meditation on grief. I clicked, sat back, and closed my eyes. As Tamara, one of the creators of Calm, whose soothing voice always resonates with me, began to speak about grief, tears began rolling down my face. Thoughts of love lost throughout my life, whether the death of loved ones, the ending of romantic relationships, loss of colleagues when laid off, my youth, my expectations, all stepped forward. The feeling of loss was palpable, and all at once and in harmony, my mind, heart, and soul began to reconcile the grief. Instead of feeling empty like I thought a process like this might feel, I felt filled up and whole. A sense of warmth poured over me as the tears continued to flow.

There is beauty in grief. To me, it feels like grief and peace are only one small step apart from each other. I often think of sadness and grief as our compass, confirming we are on track to living a good life. Even though losing love in any form hurts like hell, we are where we are meant to be. Grief informs us by highlighting what is important to us, what we care about. An inverted relationship exists between grief and love. If we didn’t love deeply, we would be numb to grief. Grief isn’t something to avoid but something to embrace. If we allow ourselves to fall back into grief, it will not let us crash to the ground, but rather, it will wrap its warm, loving arms around us and let us perch there in our pain. It’s like the loving arms of a mother or someone that always makes us feel safe to be who we are with all of our warts and scars. There are no rumblings of what we “should” do, but instead, there is stillness and silence and space. Space to be… human… broken… sad… love.

We spend most of our lives trying to avoid it or ignore it. We fight against it and point our fingers at it with our masks of anger so that nobody sees what we are really feeling beneath it. What is beneath our anger is a heart shattered into a million little pieces, disappointed in the outcome of our heart’s desires.

If we can see how we attempt to hide from grief and allow her space to be present, we will find true beauty in what she has to offer us: a moment of surrender to life. A moment to recognize how much we wanted what is now lost. A moment to relish in the love that we felt. A moment to cherish the desires that we carry in our hearts.

Grief teaches us to recognize those we are grateful for in our lives. If we didn’t grieve, we might not fully embrace those we love to the fullest. We might take them for granted if we didn’t know grief sometime in our past. She reminds us to hold on loosely to whom we love and cherish every moment we are graced with them.

Those we have loved that travel through our lives no matter how brief or long never leave us. They are weaved into our hearts, forever. We can pretend to hate them or never think about them, which we sometimes attempt to do. Or we can extend our warm, loving arms around their memory for spending a moment in time with us, taking the lessons we needed to learn and allow them to rest there, forever.

Be well! Sending love.

Along the road

I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow,
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,
When sorrow walked with me.

- Robert Browning Hamilton

Dear 2020: I'm over it! You?

“When you’re at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on.
”

— THEODORE ROOSEVELT

OK, OK, 2020! We get the message. Life sucks right now. We may have been taking life for granted, but we are now wide awake and see how good we had it way back when in 2019. I get it! Can I have my life back now, please?

To be fair, most of the time I’m able to tap into gratitude and find the silver lining in the extra quality time I get to spend with family, but there are days that just don’t meet this mindset.

I don’t know about you guys, but I am WAY over this year. It has been a very challenging one for all of us, and it is starting to wear on me for sure. How about you? The emotional roller coaster is steeper and faster than in years past, and our options for dealing with it have been seriously limited. So, what do we do?

When I find myself struggling, which has been often this year, I’ve tried to ask myself “Ok, what can I do?” “What can I control?” This helps most of the time, and I’m able to shift myself out of feeling like a victim and jump back into taking control over what I can control, which is mainly myself. But then there are those days, where this doesn’t work and nothing else seems to work either. Those are the toughest days. Honestly, those are the days where we just need to hold on and let it pass until a new day comes where we can once again shift ourselves to a better perspective. So, I guess in that case, what we are practicing is some acceptance. Oh, acceptance… It is not always the easiest thing to practice, but it really can be helpful to tap into when needed.

The more we resist what is, the more we suffer. That I know for sure. When we are suffering, it is usually because we are wishing that things are or were different. If you think about it, those thoughts and desires that things are or were different are just that… thoughts. We are grieving our old lives and our old, desired outcomes. (In some cases, we may be grieving a loss of a loved one, which I am not talking about here. In that case, we must grieve and allow ourselves the time to heal, but at some point, the process is the same and acceptance can be accessed.) So, let’s start with the past…

If we are dwelling on past events wishing they had been different, we are dwelling on thoughts of something that no longer exists, right? If it no longer exists, then there is nothing we can do to make it “right” or different than what it was; however, we can change our perspective of it if we wish to do so. Why would we want to do that, especially if we were wronged or something bad happened? This means that we may have to forgive or accept, and I do not know about you, but why would I want to forgive or accept some situation that wronged me, right!? Well, sure. You can be a stubborn ass like me and hold on to your anger or your resentment, but what is that really going to get you? More suffering. Yes, that is right. When you choose not to accept the past, YOU choose to continue to suffer. If you like suffering, then go for it, but it is my guess that you don’t like suffering and would much prefer some happiness and peace. I know I do. So how do we even begin to conceptualize what acceptance and forgiveness might look like when we were wronged or when we are a victim to some situation? It may be simple but it’s not always easy.

First, if we can take a step back from the situation and from ourselves and try to get a glimpse of what happened from a higher level view, then we can see how attached we were to the outcome. When we are very attached to an outcome and that outcome does not come to pass, it makes sense that we might feel like we are at the effect of that outcome or a victim to it, or that we might be angry, frustrated, or disappointed with that outcome. But why are we so attached to the outcome? No outcome is ever guaranteed. I believe that sometimes it’s because when an outcome we wanted does not come to pass, we believe it is a direct reflection of who we are and potentially says that there is something wrong with us. We take it personally. We judge ourselves and others due to the undesired outcome. Maybe we did do something or maybe we did not. The truth is it doesn’t really matter. What?! It doesn’t matter. How can I say that? The outcomes are the outcomes. They are there to teach us something about ourselves. They are not there to expose our lack of worth because our worth is inherent, but to highlight the opportunities to gain awareness and grow as an imperfect human being. They are there to teach us that where we are may not be where we are meant to continue being and show us that this is ok.

We hold on so tight to those outcomes that we squeeze all the life out of them, and they cannot help but drag us down with them. Our sense of loyalty, pride, or ego has a really hard time facing the fact that sometimes it’s better to accept, forgive, and move on and that this is part of the lessons of life.

We live in an infinite and wild universe. Its depths and possibilities are far beyond our capacity to fully understand. There are infinite possible outcomes that can and do occur. So when you experience an outcome that you didn’t desire, it’s ok to be disappointed or sad or even angry, but at some point, it might be worth reconciling how you feel about that outcome and instead of asking the question “Why me?” maybe try asking yourself “Why not me?” Outcomes happen and even though we can significantly influence our outcomes depending on how we choose to show up in our lives, there are those outcomes that will come no matter what we do. The pandemic is a perfect example of this. There is not much we can do about those external circumstances that show up in our lives, but there is a lot we can do about how we choose to respond to any outcome.

If we can practice releasing our attachment to the outcome, release the judgment of ourselves and others, and practice not taking things as personally, then we can practice showing up in our lives with more grace, peace, and fulfillment long-term.

So, let us jump to the present. What can we do with this present moment when we are experiencing stress, fear, doubt, overwhelmed, exhaustion, etc. due to dealing with this year of 2020 and its pandemic? Again, we can try to expand our lens and take a 30,000-foot view of the situation and ask ourselves “What can I do in this present situation?”, “What can I control?” I cannot control the pandemic. I cannot control the stay-at-home orders. I cannot control that my daughter cannot go to school and is learning on an iPad all day long. I cannot control whether or not I ultimately catch COVID and how I might be affected by it, but I can control how I choose to respond and bring gratitude, levity, care, love, fun, and engagement into each day with each encounter I have with those around me. I can choose to be gentle with myself and others. I can choose to accept the current situation. I can choose to allow myself a moment where my eyes well with tears and let it be.

As my mom always said to me growing up, and I now share with my daughter “This too shall pass!” So, hang on with me. Hold on gently to each moment and know that this will pass, and at some point, we will be looking back and remember when. Let it be a beacon of gratitude for what you have now and for those days to come where your life feels like it is your life again. Let us all accept the lessons that can be learned during these challenging times to further our own awareness, growth, and understanding that we can change how we see ourselves and the world around us and live life with a deeper understanding of who we want to be.

Be well! Sending love.

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.

”

— ALBERT EINSTEIN

Mastery Mindset

What is a Mastery Mindset? A Mastery Mindset is a way of performing where we give ourselves permission to be a work in progress because, after all, we are a perpetual work in progress. It allows us to perform from a growth mindset instead of a fixed mindset where there is no room for error. It allows us to release judgment of ourselves and others so that we can attempt and try and leap without feeling like we need to be perfect. It allows us to release the death grip on the outcome because we know with every attempt, we will learn and improve to ultimately perform at our peak. It allows us to set fear aside and walk the path that we were really meant to walk.

So often, we are called to perform whether at leading, producing, communicating, presenting, teaching, or in many other ways. Whatever the situation, we are always performing to a certain extent. All too often, we feel like if we don’t perform perfectly or to a very high standard that in some way we failed, or we’re not good enough to perform at that level, which causes us to question what we’re doing, or if we can achieve what we want to achieve. Sometimes those doubts become very overwhelming and could cause us to take the “safe” path instead of the path that is tugging at our heart.

For a lot of us, there is a whisper of a vision we have that seems almost too big to dream. Do you have this whisper? I help clients tap into their big visions to the point where they are almost embarrassed to share it with others. If you think it’s crazy and you would be embarrassed to share it, then that’s probably it! That’s the real vision you have for yourself. This vision may seem so out of reach that it feels impossible to achieve.

I have a client who was struggling with this recently. There were two paths in front of him: the safe path or the scary path toward his big vision. At first, he chose the safe path, which we all need to do from time-to-time to prepare for the path we want to travel. There’s no shame in that at all. We do what we need to do for many various reasons and can learn a lot along the way. But as he started down this path, an opportunity presented itself to him toward his big vision that was terrifying and uncertain. He said, “It was because I was so scared that I knew I needed to go”! In that moment, he switched gears and pivoted toward his big vision. I cannot express fully how inspirational that is to me. He listened to the tug at his heart and allowed himself to zig instead of zag (as someone said to me recently) down the uncertain path. He leaned into his fear.

Life is not linear. And no matter how much we try to make our life feel safe and certain, it never really is. Everything could change in a split second. I believe the critical question we need to ask ourselves is, “When I’m on my dying bed and look back on my life, what do I want to see?”

Marcus Aurelius, Roman Emperor, and Stoic Philosopher said: "Let each thing you would do, say or intend be like that of a dying person." Contemplating our fate is scary, and it can be extremely informative. Steve Jobs said during a commencement speech, "Death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be because death is very likely the single best invention of life. It is life's change agent."

All this is to say; there are times in our lives where we could use a pause to check in with ourselves and make sure we are truly experiencing our lives the way that we envisioned we would. We don’t need to strive to achieve something specific but are we showing up each day in the pursuit of becoming the person we ultimately want to be and experiencing our life how we want to experience it? It’s not who others think we should be, or what society tells us we ought to be, but who we want to be. What matters most to us?

For me, it’s building meaningful relationships with those in my life (my daughter, friends, family, clients, co-workers, etc.). It’s connecting with people on a deeper human level. It’s walking a path of mastery in becoming my most authentic self through learning to know myself more and more over time so that I can reflect on my life and be grateful for the path I chose. It’s contributing something meaningful to the world. It’s experiencing all that life has to offer. It’s serving others to help them find their unique path in life that allows them to reflect and see what they hoped to see when at the end. It’s a process of becoming not of doing.

To help us on this path, we can adopt a mastery mindset. A mastery mindset allows us to grow continually. It is an internally focused approach that is intrinsically motivating versus extrinsically motivating. Intrinsic motivation comes from our feeling of satisfaction of how we show up in any task or situation versus needing approval or validation from others. Feedback from others is great information, but it does not inform who we are. Rather, it informs what we might want to work on to fulfill our vision. A mastery mindset isn’t concerned with any particular outcome because it knows that no matter the result, something can be learned from whatever happens. It’s not concerned with showing up perfectly but rather improving over time. We can apply this to any area of our lives and use it in our process of becoming more of whom we are meant to be.

It isn’t to say that there is anything wrong with whom you are right now, but we can shift our mindset to reveal our true selves. There are layers of limiting beliefs that we incorporate into our lives throughout our lives. It’s like a bird with clipped wings, who cannot fly. He is still a bird but unable to be who he was meant to be. Those beliefs are not who we are, so the process of becoming is more about unpacking those belief systems and fully expressing our true selves underneath them so that we have the freedom to soar. It takes courage and vulnerability, but it can be done. Then, there is no fear in being who you are but freedom in it. It’s a process of awareness, acceptance, and trusting the process.

So think about your ultimate big vision. Create your goals to get there. It is about your life and how you want to see it in the end. Are you on the path that will get you there? Are you willing to shift and embrace a mastery mindset for continued growth? Are you ready to unpack those thoughts that no longer serve you so that you can reveal who you are: exposed, vulnerable, and alive?

Poem of the Day

The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Sense of Wonder

Photo by Greg Rakozy on Unsplash

“Stuff your eyes with wonder, live as if you'd drop dead in ten seconds. See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories.”

-Ray Bradbury

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Let’s check in with our sense of wonder. Is it still there? On a scale from one to ten with one being “no wonder” to ten being “full of wonder”, where do you fall?

How do we lose our sense of wonder? Does it happen slowly or all at once? As we grow up, life becomes way more serious. We start to see the obstacles, the challenges, the failures, the heartbreaks. With each eye-opening experience we face, our sense of wonder begins to fade. We grow up, get a job, pay the bills, have children, worry about their future, our future, our jobs, our relationships, etc. Life gets hard. Worry replaces wonder. It’s disheartening. We grind, we slump, we fall, we fail. At first, our ability to get back up, dust ourselves off, and get back in the game isn’t so hard. But as the years go by, all the challenges that we’ve faced start to take their toll on us and what once was our optimism.

How much can you relate to this? I hope not at all, to be honest. But for some of us, it will resonate more than we care to admit. It’s time to take our sense of wonder back. If we can shift from worry to wonder, the level of energy we have to enjoy our experience of life will dramatically increase. Our ability to deal with all that it has to offer will become much easier.

If we can pause just for a moment and tap into that wider lens that we had as a child, we may be able to see that wonder still exists. It was always there. We just couldn’t see it through our temporary tunnel vision. Curiosity fuels our wonder. Think about life, the universe, the past, the future with curiosity and without judgment. The more we wonder and cultivate curiosity, the more we will see the wonderful and inspiring things in life that bring us joy and peace, even in all its imperfections and hard lessons learned.

Life is an experience and with that comes infinite possible outcomes. Some we will judge as good and some we will judge as bad. But the truth is they are all just experiences, and in all experiences a purpose can always be found. If we use our wider lens of how we see the world, we can find that all life experiences bring forth awe and wonder and can bring us closer to knowing who we really are in the world. We are imperfect, magnificent, complex creatures inhabiting a world in this massive universe which never ends. How cool is that?

By embracing our sense of wonder and curiosity, we further illuminate the possibilities already in front of us that we couldn’t see before. It helps us change our glance from focusing on challenges to focusing on what transcends them. It puts the big picture into perspective.

In the grand scheme of things, it’s quite a miracle we’re even here at all. Let’s cherish our time, cherish our curiosity that fuels our wonder, and cherish all that this wild experience has to offer.

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“Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit.”

-e. e. cummings

The Perception Misconception

“Perception is a guess or estimate of what is ‘out there’ depending on how we read the clues; therefore it can never be absolute and often is unreliable.     

- Earl Kelley”

“I didn’t get much further into my story when he stopped and labeled me a “trouble maker...”

The Story

A few years ago, I was having a conversation with a group of people, and one of them asked each of us what we were like in high school. I started off by saying “I was a bit rebellious as a teenager”. I didn’t get much further into my story when he interjected and labeled me a “trouble maker” and turned his attention to someone else. I remember feeling cutoff in that moment because there was a lot more to my story than I was able to share. Since he was asking, I thought he sincerely wanted to know what that meant for me. I've been part of or observed many conversations that played out this way where people can only see from their own perspective. I've also become aware of moments where I've done the same to others and jumped to conclusions based on my own limited belief systems.

I was rebellious, but part of my rebellion was against those who mistreated others. For example, I refused to return to an English class because the teacher was humiliating kids by posting their "F" papers on the wall. I challenged a girl because she was bullying a boy with learning disabilities while a group encircled them to watch. I reported a father to the school who was physically abusing his son, and he went to live with his mother.

Albeit, I was far from perfect, and I made many bad decisions as I fumbled my way through, and sometimes I didn't treat people very well while learning to navigate my teenage years, but I fought for those who could not fight for themselves. This is how I rebelled. To me, rebellion can be an asset. Rebels can change the world.

My point is to share an example of how we miss opportunities to know someone by allowing our perceptions to inform whom we think they are, which is limited. If we dig a little deeper to find out what people have been through, the lessons they've learned, and how it's made them whom they are now, we may learn a lot about them and about ourselves. Plus, understanding them will deepen our connection with them.

In that moment when I was labeled a trouble maker, I realized that he had his own perception of what it means to be “rebellious” and didn’t need any further information about whom I was as a teen. I was labeled from that moment on in his mind. It was disheartening for me because he was someone I admired. I believe it was a missed opportunity for us to really get to know each other on a deeper level. The purpose of sharing this story isn't to hold animosity, but to think about perception and how it plays a role in holding us back from being able to connect with people in our lives.

What was missing in his inquiry was sincere curiosity. We all have a story to tell, and some of our stories are heartbreaking but also full of triumph. We will never really know someone deeply if we do not bring sincere curiosity to the conversation, and our limited perceptions could kill our ability to deeply connect with others.

What is Perception?

To perceive is a way of interpreting something; a mental impression, and includes the human aspect of the unique lens with which we each perceive the world. Our unique lens is created by our own belief systems and experiences we’ve had in our life to date, which means our perceptions tilt based on our own possibly limited view from our unique lens.

We perceive ourselves, others, and situations based on this lens, and we naturally use our experiences to help us make sense of the world, but it’s not the whole picture. Relying on our perceptions may be limited like tunnel vision. As we interact with others, we need to consider what others perceive, too. More importantly, to uncover the authenticity of a person, we need to be open and curious. If we allow ourselves to explore the truth, our lens will be more like a prism where we see a wider view of a situation to get down to the most authentic picture.

Steve Young said “Perception is reality. If you are perceived to be something, you might as well be it because that's the truth in people's minds.” Others’ perceptions do not make it true. We shouldn’t give in to others' perceptions and forge ahead incorporating their beliefs about us into our lives. This view paints us as a victim to our circumstances and removes the responsibility from how we can show up in our lives. Perception is not reality. It is just perception.

Instead, I prefer what C. S. Lewis said, “What you see and hear depends a good deal on where you are standing; it also depends on what sort of person you are.” This view of perception puts the responsibility squarely in your hands. What you perceive is solely up to you. How do you want to perceive people and situations around you? With a closed mind? Or an open curious heart? What sort of person do you want to be? How do you want to connect with others?

The Antidote

I believe the antidote for limited perceptions is curiosity. We could be contagiously curious like we were as a child. Curiosity is a strong desire to know something. To know something is to be aware of it through observation, inquiry, or information, but to perceive includes our unique view of the world based on our potentially limited lens, which we need to consider. Whereas, to be curious opens the door to many possibilities to know the truth and not limit our understanding based on perceptions but on discovery through our exploration of the truth.

The Challenge

We all want to be seen and heard by those we care about around us. If we challenge our limited perceptions and let curiosity lead an exploration toward a deeper understanding and desire of knowing the people around us, we could be profoundly surprised by what we learn. This approach opens the door to more connection and could bring rise to better solutions for all. Also, curiosity breeds empathy because we can now see the other person’s side of the story. Through curiosity, we can have a deeper understanding of where someone else is coming from. Curiosity fosters growth, understanding, and communication among those we come into contact.

Someone once said to me "It's all about perception." and maybe that is true, but it's not necessarily the Truth. We cannot understand someone's heart and their unique gifts unless we are willing to cultivate our curiosity and create a safe place for people to share who they really are in this world.

We don't see things as they are. We see them as we are.

- Anais Nin

Unraveling Mind

"Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking." -Marcus Aurelius

“...before we can weave in new thoughts, we first need to unravel old thoughts created in an unconscious state.”

As I thought more deeply about the concept of innerwoven and what it means to me, I began to realize that before we can weave in new thoughts, we first need to unravel old thoughts created in an unconscious state. To reframe our inner world, we must unravel our old beliefs one thought at a time.

From childhood, we try to make sense of our world by labeling what we see and defining experiences with the best of what we know at the time, which is limited and completely unconscious. These thoughts are created from an emotional point of reference without the ability to analytically label it in the most serving way. We adopt thoughts and feelings about things without knowing much about the world yet. And since we are young when the beliefs are created, and we are self-centered by design, we usually internalize our "negative" experiences as though there is something wrong with us. We adopt limiting beliefs, build assumptions, inherit interpretations, and our inner critic is born. We brilliantly learn to deny, avoid, numb, ignore, plow-through, fight, and hide. These are what our child mind can conjure to keep itself feeling safe when it has no power.

Once we reach adulthood, we face different challenges in our lives and begin to be shaken awake slowly over time through our experiences. We start to see more clearly how we have defined our reality. These moments are critical to leap forward from our subconscious to our conscious thoughts. In these moments, we can challenge what we once thought and replace it with a new more accurate thought that will serve us better going forward. I see this process of challenging our old thoughts as unraveling them. We must remove these thoughts before new ones can be woven into our new way of thinking.

At first glance, unraveling our thoughts may seem like a scary process; however, there is also beauty in it. As we slowly begin to reveal our limiting thoughts, we become vulnerable, but we also begin to reveal the deeper more connected side of ourselves to ourselves and the world. These are the moments that we start to recognize our humanity. Our experience here on this earth is meant to be fully human, I believe. With the advancements in our world, we have moved away from knowing what being human really means. What does it mean? To me, it means allowing ourselves to experience all the things that come with being part of this dynamic planet. The ups and, in particular, the downs are the things that inform our humanity and remind us of the fragility of our short but precious time in this life.

If we think of the process of weaving anything, every strand has its purpose and belongs in its unique place. If one strand is misplaced, it will affect the entire piece being created. It’s the same for our limiting beliefs or any thoughts that hold us back. One can affect all areas of our lives. But if we allow the process of unraveling to begin, we can slowly build in the best strand for any given area. The best strands are those that belong solely to us. They make each one of us whom we uniquely are in the world. No two are the same. No one could weave a tapestry that looks like yours. And in doing so, you recognize what you already possess, being imperfectly whole (i.e., innerwoven).

In our human evolution, we were given our emotions to guide us in recognizing danger, learning how to survive, and protecting our offspring. It’s our knee-jerk response to everything, still. But now that we do have the ability to analyze, we sometimes attach an incorrect thought based on the knee-jerk emotional reaction that we naturally experience when stimulated by some event, which is where we build judgment. Because we are analytical, we can start to recognize that knee-jerk emotional response and learn to reframe the thought of the experience with a more serving thought. In turn, the more serving thought will create a more serving emotion, action, and ultimately a more meaningful outcome. This process reminds me of one of my favorite quotes by Viktor E. Frankl which states "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."

I picture a chart where the X-axis is “Self-awareness,” and the Y-axis is “True Satisfaction.” The higher your level of self-awareness, the more likely you will make the best choices for you and the truer satisfaction you will experience in your life. Yes, ignorance is bliss as long as all is going your way, but as soon as an unexpected event happens that challenges your “bliss,” you are destroyed and working from a place where you have no experience or self-awareness. Being genuinely self-aware is a place where you can live in relative satisfaction no matter what events are occurring outside of yourself because you begin to release judgments of yourself and the world around you. When an event rips the rose-colored glasses from our eyes, it's the greatest opportunity for growth. If we can allow ourselves to take advantage of these opportunities to expand, we will be able to move higher up the chart of self-awareness toward true satisfaction.

We don’t know for sure what’s on the other side of this human experience, but what matters right now is what we are experiencing in this moment. This moment in front of us is the only opportunity we have to experience it fully. What do we want from this experience? How can we feel completely at peace with how we decided to live this life? What holds us back from experiencing it in the best way for ourselves, which I believe is the best way we can serve the world?

So, where do we start? We start by becoming very curious about our responses, especially the uncomfortable ones. Start paying attention to your physical responses whether it be a faster heart rate, feeling flush or hot, or a knot in your stomach. If a physical response manifests, get curious about why it's coming up. Try to remove your judgment and just notice it. What thoughts are percolating in your mind that may be causing this response? What emotions are coming up for you? If you can get to the bottom of the thoughts and feelings attached to them, you can challenge those that limit you.

Right now, in this very second, we can decide to change our distorted stories that were created from this unconscious place. We can decide to re-visit the old thoughts and replace them with new more serving thoughts that will not only fearlessly catapult us in the direction we truly want to go but also give us peace right now in this moment. We can then make more deliberate and conscious choices for our lives and leave this human experience satisfied with whom we chose to be.

My Path to Coaching

"And you may find yourself,

Behind the wheel of a large automobile,

And you may find yourself in a beautiful house,

With a beautiful wife,

And you may ask yourself, well,

How did I get here?"

-Talking Heads "Once in a Lifetime"

The Moment of Realization

“There was a sense of needing to expand and contribute in a more direct and meaningful way...”

It became very apparent to me a couple of years ago that I was no longer satisfied with my career, which I had been successful for two decades. There was a sense of needing to expand and contribute in a more direct and meaningful way, not knowing yet what that meant. At first, I ignored the signs causing me to squirm in my chair of dissatisfaction.

Later, I hired a coach to help me work through what was causing me so much discomfort with the initial intention of fixing how I felt about my job. After a few months of trying to fix it, I realized I needed to explore new opportunities uninhibited. Becoming a professional coach floated around in the back of my head, but I had some fears about outside judgment and my own ability to make a difference. As I narrowed down my list of options, coaching was always there, but I would avoid it and contemplate other ideas. To be a good coach, I believe you have to fully commit to the continuous unraveling of your own thoughts and feelings in all areas of your life. You need to be extremely vulnerable to express who you truly are and what you have to offer your clients. It's a terrifying place, at first. However, as I continued to dwindle down my list of meaningful possibilities, it became all too clear that this was what I had been searching for. It was time to have faith and leap into the unknown.

The Decision

I finally mustered up the courage to leave my job of fifteen years later that fall. I began the process of exploring options, but before I knew it, I was laid off. Mostly, it was a welcomed relief. It had expedited the process that I was afraid to attempt - exploring a new path. I immediately embraced this opportunity to dig deep into my own heart and find what I wanted in this next chapter of my life.

As I examined what I wanted, I realized I am able to see the best in people, often more than they see in themselves. I want them to leave my presence feeling better than when they first arrived. I love learning about them. Their struggles and stories inspire me. It became clear to me that I want to serve them in realizing their own potential and removing any blocks so they can construct a life that they genuinely love.

When seriously considering becoming a coach, I thought "deep breath". I reminded myself that I want to be brave in my own life. I want to contribute to the world in a way that is authentic to who I am, and where I help people feel more connected to whom they are in the world. It's a very deep desire that I could no longer deny. I took that deep breath, and I enrolled in the best coaching program I could find.

Since then, I haven't looked back. Albeit, my first day in the program was intimidating, but once I opened up to others, I realized we all have a common goal. We want to help people live the fullest and most satisfying lives they possibly can.

The road has been challenging at times as I learn to release concerns of judgment and cultivate my vulnerability so that I can authentically connect with those in need. I love the process of coaching someone and holding that sacred space for them to explore their thoughts and desires. Witnessing them unravel their thoughts and gain clarity is incredible. The excitement and willingness to take significant actions toward their vision is immeasurable.

I now recognize that my gifts of empathy and deep compassion for others are how I can serve my clients in discovering how they view their world, and how those thoughts and feelings may not be serving them toward achieving what they truly want.

My life's mission is coaching driven professionals. I believe many of us fall prey to the "corporate grind" and too heavily rely on our careers to define our self-worth. Sometimes, we become out of balance and lose a considerable part of whom we are in the process.

Time to Pause

“...it's critical that we pause from time-to-time and reflect on where we are and discern if it's really the direction we want to continue to go.”

Pursuing a challenging career can be very rewarding, but if we are pursuing it to the detriment of other values we hold, it's unsustainable long-term. Plus, those unique aspects of us are the key to living fully and contributing in our own unique way. It's critical that we pause from time-to-time and reflect on where we are and discern if it's the direction we want to continue to go. If not, we need to give ourselves permission to pivot. Pivoting can be scary, but the alternative can be worse.

Get Inspired

I choose to serve professionals because I want to help them press pause, reflect, pivot if desired, and weave neglected values back into the fold. I have no attachment to the outcome they choose, but I want them to choose it with a much deeper sense of self-awareness instead of deciding without a conscious examination.

Our level of satisfaction in life increases when a decision is made consciously versus unconsciously, even if the same choice is made.

As I embark on this new path, my fears bubble to the surface. But if I stay focused on the intention and purpose behind my desire to travel down this road, those fears diminish. As I continue to grow in my own life and in serving those in need, I want to expose my heart and be vulnerable to this messy, uncertain path of exploration. I want to reach people who wish to make a difference not only in their own lives but in those around them as our inner work ripples through all with which we come into contact.