“Shame is a soul eating emotion.”

— Carl Jung

Several years ago, I was struggling mentally more significantly than any other time in my life. My life and work had become so overwhelmingly stressful that I just couldn’t manage it anymore as I had for many years. I hit a mental wall. What I didn’t realize at that moment was that I was also carrying around an immense amount of old and new shame over many things that had happened in my life. I wasn’t consciously aware of this shame until this point, but suddenly it all became clear. What sparked the beginning of my contemplation was watching Brenee Brown’s viral TED Talk on shame which opened my awareness to my own shame. In it, she said that guilt is “I did something wrong” and shame is “I am something wrong”. This shot right to my core as I became instantly aware of the shame that existed within me and how it was contributing to the level of stress I was experiencing at that time. I spent the next several months allowing this awareness to percolate in the back of my thoughts, and I began the process of reconciling each event and working toward shifting my perspective to the learning of each one. I believe that all obstacles are really opportunities. In every life event that occurs, especially those with unwanted outcomes, there is an opportunity for growth where we can become more congruent with the best version of ourselves.

One night, in the middle of the night, I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep because the shame was now palpable and unrelenting in needing attention. I laid there and allowed all my shame and guilt to come forward and move across my mind as if watching a ticker symbol of gains and losses from the day’s trades.

At that moment, I realized that the fate of all humans is to experience many outcomes throughout our lives whether we label them as good or we label them as bad. Our cards will be dealt without judgment from the universe, but these outcomes are often based on the choices that we make whether conscious or unconscious. Those choices, like all causes, will have an effect. With an infinite number of outcomes possible, we will get some that we desire and some that we do not - although those outcomes that we do not desire are often our greatest teachers if we are willing to pay attention. If we are willing, these outcomes are the ones that help us lean into our unconscious choices and make the unwanted belief behind them step forward that caused us to choose that path in the first place. They help us find the emotional buttons within us that are triggered by people and events. If we take time to reflect and watch closely our thoughts, we will find the reason behind why we chose the actions that we chose. In most cases, those beliefs will be tied to lies, fears, self-doubts, anger, and many other possible “negative” feelings that we either believe about ourselves, those around us, or the world in general. The more we can search out these old beliefs and release or change them, the more we will be able to make choices from a more conscious place that will lead to outcomes that we desire more often. With this, we recognize that anything “bad” that happens to us or that we do is also an opportunity for growth and transformation into the person we deeply desire to be and whom we truly are at the core; therefore, there really are no mistakes that happen because in all outcomes a purpose can be found.

As I lay there wide awake, I walked through the shame and found the lesson for each event tied to it. I realized at that moment that it all did have a purpose to help me wake up to myself and the world and be more aware of who I am and who I want to be. I forgave myself and I forgave all those that in some way contributed to this shame and guilt within me - although I recognized that I am the true author of its presence. As I lay there pondering, a flood of peace washed over me, and the shame and guilt suddenly melted away and have never since returned.

We are all imperfect humans roaming the earth for a tiny finite amount of unknown time. Our human form’s possible purpose is here to allow us to experience all things physical, mental, and emotional based on this form that we have been given and to learn and grow from these experiences. Our stress responses that trigger our fight, flight, or freeze instincts are attached to this physical form and useful when needed. But beyond this form, there is the formlessness of us that is the essence of whom we are within. This essence, spirit, soul, consciousness, or energy is the most authentic part of who we are and encapsulates our individual unique perspective and gifts that we have been given, which is how we can uniquely contribute to the world.

Although we often feel like we are at the effect of our life, the truth is we have been gifted with the will to choose our actions and responses in most cases. We inherited our free will to choose our actions while here on this earth. I now ask myself before making big decisions if the choice I’m leaning toward is based in fear or based in love. I know if it’s based in fear that I’m operating from a place of my human form and not from my essence. I then choose again until I know my choice is coming from love. I don’t hit the mark every time, but it helps me make more conscious choices along the way. Any choices that I realize later came from fear, I now see that it’s really another opportunity to clean my mental house and find the unconscious belief that lingers there, so I grab my broom and lovingly sweep it away.

If I can release my shame, you can, too. First comes recognizing that it exists within you. If you find yourself living with a lot of stress, anxiety, or other negative emotions, pause and ask yourself if the definition of shame “I am something wrong” resonates with you. If so, this could be shame that you are experiencing. Lean into your shame with curiosity and nonjudgment to uncover the depth of it. Forgive yourself and others. Cultivate compassion for yourself and others. Find the opportunity for growth that lingers there. See the purpose that can be found within. We all have worth and value beyond any guilt or shame that we carry. We can choose to let it go or we can choose to let it eat our souls.

I’m wishing you all the best on your journey of uncovering and finding solace with your shame.

Be well. Sending love.