“When you’re at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on.
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OK, OK, 2020! We get the message. Life sucks right now. We may have been taking life for granted, but we are now wide awake and see how good we had it way back when in 2019. I get it! Can I have my life back now, please?
To be fair, most of the time I’m able to tap into gratitude and find the silver lining in the extra quality time I get to spend with family, but there are days that just don’t meet this mindset.
I don’t know about you guys, but I am WAY over this year. It has been a very challenging one for all of us, and it is starting to wear on me for sure. How about you? The emotional roller coaster is steeper and faster than in years past, and our options for dealing with it have been seriously limited. So, what do we do?
When I find myself struggling, which has been often this year, I’ve tried to ask myself “Ok, what can I do?” “What can I control?” This helps most of the time, and I’m able to shift myself out of feeling like a victim and jump back into taking control over what I can control, which is mainly myself. But then there are those days, where this doesn’t work and nothing else seems to work either. Those are the toughest days. Honestly, those are the days where we just need to hold on and let it pass until a new day comes where we can once again shift ourselves to a better perspective. So, I guess in that case, what we are practicing is some acceptance. Oh, acceptance… It is not always the easiest thing to practice, but it really can be helpful to tap into when needed.
The more we resist what is, the more we suffer. That I know for sure. When we are suffering, it is usually because we are wishing that things are or were different. If you think about it, those thoughts and desires that things are or were different are just that… thoughts. We are grieving our old lives and our old, desired outcomes. (In some cases, we may be grieving a loss of a loved one, which I am not talking about here. In that case, we must grieve and allow ourselves the time to heal, but at some point, the process is the same and acceptance can be accessed.) So, let’s start with the past…
If we are dwelling on past events wishing they had been different, we are dwelling on thoughts of something that no longer exists, right? If it no longer exists, then there is nothing we can do to make it “right” or different than what it was; however, we can change our perspective of it if we wish to do so. Why would we want to do that, especially if we were wronged or something bad happened? This means that we may have to forgive or accept, and I do not know about you, but why would I want to forgive or accept some situation that wronged me, right!? Well, sure. You can be a stubborn ass like me and hold on to your anger or your resentment, but what is that really going to get you? More suffering. Yes, that is right. When you choose not to accept the past, YOU choose to continue to suffer. If you like suffering, then go for it, but it is my guess that you don’t like suffering and would much prefer some happiness and peace. I know I do. So how do we even begin to conceptualize what acceptance and forgiveness might look like when we were wronged or when we are a victim to some situation? It may be simple but it’s not always easy.
First, if we can take a step back from the situation and from ourselves and try to get a glimpse of what happened from a higher level view, then we can see how attached we were to the outcome. When we are very attached to an outcome and that outcome does not come to pass, it makes sense that we might feel like we are at the effect of that outcome or a victim to it, or that we might be angry, frustrated, or disappointed with that outcome. But why are we so attached to the outcome? No outcome is ever guaranteed. I believe that sometimes it’s because when an outcome we wanted does not come to pass, we believe it is a direct reflection of who we are and potentially says that there is something wrong with us. We take it personally. We judge ourselves and others due to the undesired outcome. Maybe we did do something or maybe we did not. The truth is it doesn’t really matter. What?! It doesn’t matter. How can I say that? The outcomes are the outcomes. They are there to teach us something about ourselves. They are not there to expose our lack of worth because our worth is inherent, but to highlight the opportunities to gain awareness and grow as an imperfect human being. They are there to teach us that where we are may not be where we are meant to continue being and show us that this is ok.
We hold on so tight to those outcomes that we squeeze all the life out of them, and they cannot help but drag us down with them. Our sense of loyalty, pride, or ego has a really hard time facing the fact that sometimes it’s better to accept, forgive, and move on and that this is part of the lessons of life.
We live in an infinite and wild universe. Its depths and possibilities are far beyond our capacity to fully understand. There are infinite possible outcomes that can and do occur. So when you experience an outcome that you didn’t desire, it’s ok to be disappointed or sad or even angry, but at some point, it might be worth reconciling how you feel about that outcome and instead of asking the question “Why me?” maybe try asking yourself “Why not me?” Outcomes happen and even though we can significantly influence our outcomes depending on how we choose to show up in our lives, there are those outcomes that will come no matter what we do. The pandemic is a perfect example of this. There is not much we can do about those external circumstances that show up in our lives, but there is a lot we can do about how we choose to respond to any outcome.
If we can practice releasing our attachment to the outcome, release the judgment of ourselves and others, and practice not taking things as personally, then we can practice showing up in our lives with more grace, peace, and fulfillment long-term.
So, let us jump to the present. What can we do with this present moment when we are experiencing stress, fear, doubt, overwhelmed, exhaustion, etc. due to dealing with this year of 2020 and its pandemic? Again, we can try to expand our lens and take a 30,000-foot view of the situation and ask ourselves “What can I do in this present situation?”, “What can I control?” I cannot control the pandemic. I cannot control the stay-at-home orders. I cannot control that my daughter cannot go to school and is learning on an iPad all day long. I cannot control whether or not I ultimately catch COVID and how I might be affected by it, but I can control how I choose to respond and bring gratitude, levity, care, love, fun, and engagement into each day with each encounter I have with those around me. I can choose to be gentle with myself and others. I can choose to accept the current situation. I can choose to allow myself a moment where my eyes well with tears and let it be.
As my mom always said to me growing up, and I now share with my daughter “This too shall pass!” So, hang on with me. Hold on gently to each moment and know that this will pass, and at some point, we will be looking back and remember when. Let it be a beacon of gratitude for what you have now and for those days to come where your life feels like it is your life again. Let us all accept the lessons that can be learned during these challenging times to further our own awareness, growth, and understanding that we can change how we see ourselves and the world around us and live life with a deeper understanding of who we want to be.
Be well! Sending love.
“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.
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