“Perception is a guess or estimate of what is ‘out there’ depending on how we read the clues; therefore it can never be absolute and often is unreliable.
- Earl Kelley”
“I didn’t get much further into my story when he stopped and labeled me a “trouble maker...”
The Story
A few years ago, I was having a conversation with a group of people, and one of them asked each of us what we were like in high school. I started off by saying “I was a bit rebellious as a teenager”. I didn’t get much further into my story when he interjected and labeled me a “trouble maker” and turned his attention to someone else. I remember feeling cutoff in that moment because there was a lot more to my story than I was able to share. Since he was asking, I thought he sincerely wanted to know what that meant for me. I've been part of or observed many conversations that played out this way where people can only see from their own perspective. I've also become aware of moments where I've done the same to others and jumped to conclusions based on my own limited belief systems.
I was rebellious, but part of my rebellion was against those who mistreated others. For example, I refused to return to an English class because the teacher was humiliating kids by posting their "F" papers on the wall. I challenged a girl because she was bullying a boy with learning disabilities while a group encircled them to watch. I reported a father to the school who was physically abusing his son, and he went to live with his mother.
Albeit, I was far from perfect, and I made many bad decisions as I fumbled my way through, and sometimes I didn't treat people very well while learning to navigate my teenage years, but I fought for those who could not fight for themselves. This is how I rebelled. To me, rebellion can be an asset. Rebels can change the world.
My point is to share an example of how we miss opportunities to know someone by allowing our perceptions to inform whom we think they are, which is limited. If we dig a little deeper to find out what people have been through, the lessons they've learned, and how it's made them whom they are now, we may learn a lot about them and about ourselves. Plus, understanding them will deepen our connection with them.
In that moment when I was labeled a trouble maker, I realized that he had his own perception of what it means to be “rebellious” and didn’t need any further information about whom I was as a teen. I was labeled from that moment on in his mind. It was disheartening for me because he was someone I admired. I believe it was a missed opportunity for us to really get to know each other on a deeper level. The purpose of sharing this story isn't to hold animosity, but to think about perception and how it plays a role in holding us back from being able to connect with people in our lives.
What was missing in his inquiry was sincere curiosity. We all have a story to tell, and some of our stories are heartbreaking but also full of triumph. We will never really know someone deeply if we do not bring sincere curiosity to the conversation, and our limited perceptions could kill our ability to deeply connect with others.
What is Perception?
To perceive is a way of interpreting something; a mental impression, and includes the human aspect of the unique lens with which we each perceive the world. Our unique lens is created by our own belief systems and experiences we’ve had in our life to date, which means our perceptions tilt based on our own possibly limited view from our unique lens.
We perceive ourselves, others, and situations based on this lens, and we naturally use our experiences to help us make sense of the world, but it’s not the whole picture. Relying on our perceptions may be limited like tunnel vision. As we interact with others, we need to consider what others perceive, too. More importantly, to uncover the authenticity of a person, we need to be open and curious. If we allow ourselves to explore the truth, our lens will be more like a prism where we see a wider view of a situation to get down to the most authentic picture.
Steve Young said “Perception is reality. If you are perceived to be something, you might as well be it because that's the truth in people's minds.” Others’ perceptions do not make it true. We shouldn’t give in to others' perceptions and forge ahead incorporating their beliefs about us into our lives. This view paints us as a victim to our circumstances and removes the responsibility from how we can show up in our lives. Perception is not reality. It is just perception.
Instead, I prefer what C. S. Lewis said, “What you see and hear depends a good deal on where you are standing; it also depends on what sort of person you are.” This view of perception puts the responsibility squarely in your hands. What you perceive is solely up to you. How do you want to perceive people and situations around you? With a closed mind? Or an open curious heart? What sort of person do you want to be? How do you want to connect with others?
The Antidote
I believe the antidote for limited perceptions is curiosity. We could be contagiously curious like we were as a child. Curiosity is a strong desire to know something. To know something is to be aware of it through observation, inquiry, or information, but to perceive includes our unique view of the world based on our potentially limited lens, which we need to consider. Whereas, to be curious opens the door to many possibilities to know the truth and not limit our understanding based on perceptions but on discovery through our exploration of the truth.
The Challenge
We all want to be seen and heard by those we care about around us. If we challenge our limited perceptions and let curiosity lead an exploration toward a deeper understanding and desire of knowing the people around us, we could be profoundly surprised by what we learn. This approach opens the door to more connection and could bring rise to better solutions for all. Also, curiosity breeds empathy because we can now see the other person’s side of the story. Through curiosity, we can have a deeper understanding of where someone else is coming from. Curiosity fosters growth, understanding, and communication among those we come into contact.
Someone once said to me "It's all about perception." and maybe that is true, but it's not necessarily the Truth. We cannot understand someone's heart and their unique gifts unless we are willing to cultivate our curiosity and create a safe place for people to share who they really are in this world.
We don't see things as they are. We see them as we are.
- Anais Nin